Old Pastry Chefs Never Die, They Just Make Less Dough

Daring Baker Challenge for December!

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I'm such a wimp! I took one look at the challenge and said "no freaking way". Not because I couldn't do it, but because December being December, and it being the holidays and all.....well. No time! I must say I would have liked to do it, because it would have been a challenge even for me, but with work and home duties, I just couldn't mess around that much. 

The challenge was for a French Yule Log. Not one of those dried out sponge cake roll-up jobs, but a FRENCH Yule Log, which involves many different components and patience and tearing out of hair. If you'd like to see a brave soul who accomplished this overcomplicated feat, go here: Rosa's Yummy Yums.

I'd try to do it this month (a typically slow month for us bakers), but it's my annual "Go On a Diet for Serious" month.

No baking at home allowed. 

This month's challenge is for ******, and I can do ****** in my sleep, so it's the complete opposite of last month's challenge. But I need to stick to the ol' resolution......no baking at home, so I won't be doing ****** either. Then I'll get dropped off the Daring Bakers blogroll and that will be that. I need to start a new internet phenom......The Burnt Out Bakers....care to join? Every month we drop a certain baked item off the top of a (minimum 3 story building). Extra points for hitting pedestrians on the sidewalk. Must post pics or it didn't happen!

What I did make this month is a Danish pastry called Smorkake or Smorkage (pronounced Smyrrh-ka ka). My husband LOVES it, so I decided to make some for him for Xmas. It's heavenly.......danish dough with a bit of cardamom and lemon, rolled up with an almond brown sugar filling and pastry cream. Larsen's Bakery in Seattle

used to make it, but I don't see it around anymore. If we want Smorkage around here, I have to pull it out of my Burnt Out Pastry Chef's Butt.

Isn't it lovely?

Smorkake

It's normally made in a round pan, but the square is far easier and I can make more that way. 'Cause what we need in this house is more sugary, butter laden, full 'o fat pastry! Not. The Smorkage is history now, there is nothing left in the house to tempt us off our Resolution Diets, unless I bake, which I won't. Really. Honest.

I'm Number One!

A legend in my own mind that is.

Ever since I was a kid, I wanted to win a trophy. I tried hard at everything I participated in, especially if there were prizes involved. Apparently my best was never good enough, because the holy grail always eluded me. Either that

or it's because I didn't kiss the right butts or off the right people. But I know I will never win a trophy for butt kissing; that's NOT my event.

I remember being very jealous when my little brother won a trophy in Little League Baseball. Why couldn't I win a trophy too? I finally got over the trophy thing eventually. I mean, they do kinda look a bit cheesy and they just gather dust, and they mean more to a kid than an adult.....and....I'm an adult now. I don't care about stinkin' trophies! Ok, yes I do. I'm still a kid in a lot of ways, and I want my goddamn trophy.

But I don't want a trophy for just anything or a "thanks for participating" trophy. I want a trophy that I truly deserve....one that I earned......one that says "You're the freakin' best". 

Well, this Christmas, my trophy dream came true! I won a trophy, presented to me by my co-worker Jewlz (yes, the FAMOUS pie-butt kicking Jewlz) for our Christmas gift exchange. She had no idea about my trophy dreams, but Jewlz being the fabulous Jewlz, always seems to know what I need. Not only is it a beautiful trophy, but it's a trophy for something I'm truly good at........

Bakerbitch

That's right kids, my years of effort (well actually, it comes naturally) have paid off. I've been recognized for what I do best.....that's right......I can proudly say I'm a number ONE Baker Bitch. The Pastry Chef of Pessimism. The Cranky Cook. The Dour Maker of Dough. One could say that I could be offended by this, but NO! This Award of Bitchiness is only meant in the good way, and I am honored. You know the acronym for BITCH, don't you?

Bitch

Or, even better, it's "Being In Total Control, Honey!" I wouldn't say I'm in TOTAL control though.......I identify as a bitch more like this:

Mystique

Yeah, that's more like it. Unstable. I always have some sort of psycho trick up my sleeve. Like crying for no reason. Damn I'm good at that. And being peri-menopausal has nothing to do with it.

Point is, finally at 46 I got my stinkin' trophy....so I can die happy now. Eat it, bitches!