Old Pastry Chefs Never Die, They Just Make Less Dough: March 2008

First of all I wanna give props to the artist of this comic! Professional cook by day, aspiring comic strip writer by night!

He knows of what he writes. Anybody who's done their time in kitchens can relate to this comic. Check it out!

Obscene Cuisine!

Like the name implies, it's not for the easily (or even slightly offended). And if you're easily or slightly offended, then you've never worked in a kitchen, and you wouldn't understand anyway.

Which leads me to the topic of this post.......why becoming a chef is a really dumb idea. For most people.

So you're probably asking, "Anne, you're a chef, are you dumb?" And the answer to that is, "Yes.......yes I am."

So now you're probably saying, "Well why are you still a chef?" And my answer to that is, "Because my stupidity

knows no bounds."

And other chefs are saying, "You're a pastry chef, you don't count!" And to that I say,

"F*&k you, hot side!" Just kidding!

I love all of you on the hot side (when you're not spilling your hollafreakingdaise

sauce on my wedding cakes or storing thawing meat above my short dough, or turning the oven up to 500 degrees when I've got cheesecakes in there!)

Seriously though Anne, why are you a pastry chef?

Well, here's my story. The short version.

In a galaxy far away and long ago (the 80's), I graduated from high school with absolutely no aspirations, goals, or plans for college. Not to mention money. I thank my "guidance counselors" for this. I had no guidance from them and they never informed me that there was life after high school....they also never clued me in on things like "scholarships" or "careers" or anything like that. Of course I don't blame myself, because you know, that "personal responsibility" thing is SO passe! So graduation comes and goes, and left me saying "now what?" Well, my parents, god bless 'em, had the answer......I'm getting a job! Mom even knew where I was getting a job too. After a shopping spree to buy me some "job huntin' clothes", she put me on the bus to downtown Seattle so I could fill out a job app with the PHONE COMPANY. Mom worked at the phone company and knew what an exciting career I could have there. So I filled out an app, took a bunch of tests, had an interview, and I was hired. This began my fulfilling 10 year career of being a telephone operator. Um........NOT. Oh sure, working at a union job at the phone co (in those days, before cell phones, computers, and other various technologies) was a cushy gig. I had paid vacations, sick days, personal days, full medical, dental and vision coverage, catered buffets during the holidays, time and a half on Sundays.......it was sweet. That's what kept me there. I was making more money then most of my friends and I bought a brand new car. Who needs college? Just one small problem.......the JOB.

Pardon my french, but it sucked a$$.

After 10 years of talking to the stupidest people on the planet in 15 to 30 second increments, and having managers tell me to work faster, but be more personable and polite to the customers, I'd really just had it. I wanted OUT, but had nowhere to go. After being a telephone operator for that long, I didn't really have much of a job skill set except to be a secretary or a receptionist or an answering service employee. All I knew was that sitting on my butt all day in a little cubicle talking to idiots was not my thing.

Now it's 1990, and technology is on the verge of exploding.

The dudes at the phone co. saw the writing on the wall, and knew they weren't going to need very many operators in the future because "the machines" were going to take over. The Union saw this too, and made sure there were certain job re-training benefits in our contract. One day the "company" publicized their new program called "Pathways", which translated meant, "here's a little money to go to college and learn something and get another job so we don't have to give you a giant severance package!" Well, that was my ticket out. I did a lot of baking at home as a hobby....it was relaxing and fun! I thought "Wow! I'll go to school and learn to be a baker! That would be a fun job!" I didn't do anything smart, like do a little research on what it was like to be a baker, or what kind of pay they got, or anything of the sort. I just KNEW that my job sucked SO BAD, that absolutely NOTHING could be worse, and that's all I needed to know.

So I enrolled in my local technical college's baking and pastry and culinary arts programs and took a leave of absence from the phone co. Phone co. paid for ALL of it, and hubby supported me through it all too.

School was great. I excelled. I found something I was REALLY GOOD at.

And to this day, I love the actual work I do. I love creating, making pretty and delicious things, and I love it when people take the time to compliment my work, because it all makes for "job satisfaction". But after 18 years of doing this, I wish that someone had sat me down when I decided to bake for a living and tell me about all the "other stuff".

Who knows if I would have made a different decision, but I definitely know I would have thought about it a little more.

Ironically, the computer repair technician class was right next door to the college bakery, and honestly, as geeky as I am, I really should have been in THERE, pocket protector and all.

What's the "OTHER STUFF"?

The "other stuff" is what the recruiters for the big name culinary schools (like Le Cordon Bleu et al) don't tell you.

It's what I had no clue about when I went into culinary/pastry school. It's the stuff that weeds out the true chefs (translate: crazy maniacs) from the wannabe's in a matter of months.....or even weeks. Or days. Hey, don't get me wrong, I'm all for "following your bliss", because I followed mine. But remember......ignorance is bliss. Just don't be ignorant. If you're gonna change careers, or embark on one in the culinary field.....for the love of g*d, do your homework! Go get a part time job in a restaurant or bakery to see it up close and personal. Read "Kitchen Confidential" by Anthony Bourdain. Interview chefs and other food people. Read this blog.

Off the top of my head, here is the STUFF I am talking about.

Most jobs (not all) rarely have things like paid vacations, medical or dental benefits, shift differentials, or 401K plans. Basically, it's just a paycheck.
Speaking of paychecks, they're not very big. People in the service industry don't get paid like software engineers, and they never will. I couldn't afford to be a pastry chef if it weren't for the fact that I can depend on my husband's paycheck to get us through. Sure, you can find decent wages in the industry......they exist....mostly in the bigger cities like New York, Chicago, L.A., Las Vegas.....if you work in a hotel your chances of getting benefits are good too.
Kitchens are hot and uncomfortable. Knives are sharp. Large amounts of food are heavy. Ovens and pans are hot. Floors are slippery. The grease trap is the foulest thing you'll ever smell. Rats are NOT your friends.
Because of the above, some chefs can be crabby a$$holes. Some of them will take it out on you. There's lots of cussing and temper tantrums. You'll hear bad words that you didn't even know existed before. Sometimes saute pans fly through the air. Remember to duck.
Just because you have a passion for food and all things culinary, doesn't mean most of your co-workers feel the same way. A lot of food service jobs are entry-level and these jobs are filled by people that intend to go on to better things (or not). Either way, they don't care about stuff like you do. Sometimes you have to pick up their slack and it's not fun.
In the food world, an 8 hour shift is short. Most of the time, you're done when you're done. Employers like to find ways not to pay you overtime. And sometimes, you do the REALLY STUPID THING (because you care so much), and work OFF THE CLOCK. Please don't do this. I've done it, and all it's gotten me is a crapload of resentment that I carry around. Resentment makes one bitter, and bitter people don't do the world any favors, except when they're telling people not to do what they did. *ahem*
Speaking of shifts, guess what? Not many of them are "9-5". Early mornings......late nights, graveyard, swing, weekends, holidays........yeah, social life? Put that on hold. What's worse is the holidays are the busiest for most places.....so not only do you have to work on the holidays, but you have to work HARDER. And faster.
Sometimes, no matter how hard you work or how much passion you put into something, customers will still complain. Because it's human nature to complain when things are bad, and not compliment when things are fine or excellent, we hear more negative feedback than positive. Not good for morale. My favorite movie moment: In the film "Mostly Martha" or the American re-make "No Reservations", the chef-heroine stomps out to the table of the customer complaining about the doneness of their steak, slaps down a piece of raw meat, and says, "There! Rare enough for ya??" How many times I wish I could have done something like that.......
Sometimes, the owner of the establishment or your immediate boss (who may not necessarily be a chef), will ask you to do the seemingly impossible.........like, they'll say, "oh I forgot to tell you, there's an order for 200 petit fours for tomorrow.........at 7 am." It is now 8 pm and you've already worked 10 hours. If you're experienced you know to prepare for stuff like this, and will have your "stash" in the freezer......all you have to do is cut and dip 'em. But it still means your 10 hour shift has now become a 13 or 14 hour shift. Or it means that you go home and get up really early the next day to do it. OR, you have to build the petit fours from the ground up, meaning you have to bake off the cakes that night AND get up early the next morning to finish them off. Either way, it's really irritating, because you found out the order was on the books since last week, and you're put out because the GM "just forgot" to tell you! Ha ha! It's so much fun to pull stuff out of your butt just to save theirs! Ha ha! Anyway, that's just an example......but it happens.....more often than one would think.
I've touched on the immediate injury part of the job; burns, cuts, and falls, but there's long term injury too. After 18 years I have to wear orthotics in my shoes from standing on my feet all day; I've had carpal tunnel surgery on both hands, but the numbness and pain are now recurring, and I have osteoarthritis in my shoulders and hands. I don't have the stamina I used to either. Granted, it's not the most risky and dangerous job in the world, but the long term effects aren't fun to live with, and they make it harder to do my job too.
In order to do your job right (and make it easier for yourself) you have to invest in a lot of your own equipment. You also have to protect it with your life, because if your co-workers get a hold of anything it will either get lost or horribly abused or both. For the hot side, it's mostly knives, thermometers and even nice saute pans. For the pastry side, it's even more complicated.......spatulas, piping bags and tips, specialized and varying sized pans, molds, cake rings......etc. This equipment is not cheap either. And on both sides, the hottest commodity is towels. Yes, towels. Everybody needs their towel! Most places have linen services with the clean towels being delivered once a week. Generally the rule is that everyone can have one (or two) clean towels per day. Lots of people disregard this and go through 10 towels a day, and three days into the week, all the clean towels are GONE. Because of this you will then see people getting smart and taking their weekly towel allotment, and stashing them in a secret place, just so they'll have enough towels to get them through the week.......or......they'll bring their own towels, which invariably, a co-worker will manage to steal.

If none of the above puts you off much, then maybe you can be a chef too.

Sometimes being poor and happy is better than being rich and miserable.

The bottom line is, that's why I'm still doing it, because I'm just not interested in doing anything else. Even though some days as a pastry chef have been downright miserable, I've never hated my job the way I hated being at the phone company. Life is a series of trade offs. There's some BS you can put up with and some you can't. I've chosen the BS that I can put up with and I think that's one of the keys to choosing your career. Choose your BS wisely, people!

My last piece of advice.

You do NOT have to spend big money to go to culinary school! Or for that matter spend any money at all. If you do decide to attend an expensive school, remember, it's really hard to pay off a big student loan on an entry level cook's wages! Also, when it comes to getting a job, employers usually choose a solid work history over school anyway.

School is merely a way to learn the basics and get your foot in the door. You can do this very cheaply, or you can get paid while you learn by getting an entry level job in a restaurant or other food establishment. The good thing about this is if you decide that a career in the culinary arts isn't for you, you won't have lost any type of investment.

On another note, it's not the school that you attended that "makes" you......it's your attitude and willingness to work hard that makes you. It cost just over $3000 for me to attend culinary and pastry arts programs at a vocational college, and I've been able to bake (and decorate) circles around many a CIA grad who've paid a heck of a lot more for their education. 'Nuff said.

Why did I write this?

Because a lot of people ask me questions about my job and being a chef. They are considering a career in culinary arts and are smart enough to do the research (unlike myself). I've written so many letters to people, I decided that if I had something pre-written to direct them to, I could save myself a lot of time. Pastry chefs are masters at figuring out what will save them time, because we have so much to do in so little of it.

What? You still want to be a chef? Sucker!!!!