Old Pastry Chefs Never Die, They Just Make Less Dough

Pie Butt: The Epilogue.

Jpiebutt

I'm thankful....yes thankful, that Thanksgiving is OVER for another year, and especially thankful that I got my Christmas present early this holiday season. Her name is Jewlz (Julie), and she was hired as my "assistant" a few weeks ago. I use "assistant" loosely, because there are many things she can do better than I, and one of those things is make pies. She does them beautifully and she does them fast. I bowed my head in shame as I witnessed her "one handed fluting" skills. She was truly little Miss Piebutt this year, not me. The only reason my butt hurts is because she totally kicked my ass in pie making. See above and below corrected illustrations. The pies were flying out of her butt and she didn't even complain!

Jewlz is the best. The absolute hard-working best. Thanks Santa.

So, you may ask, if Jewlz was the pie machine, what the hell was I doing? Um, well......I uh......actually don't remember. I think I did some pecan tarts or something and decorated some cakes that people really weren't interested in buying because they wanted pies. But I had to look busy, you know.

One holiday down, one to go. Then it's January, and that's when the "Bakers Holidays" start.

Kickbutt

How can you soar with the eagles when turkey day is coming?

Piebutt

For those of you who can't seem to open a can of Libby's Pumpkin, add some evaporated milk, sugar, eggs and spices, and pour it into a Pillsbury frozen pie shell, and stick it in the oven for a while, THIS is what I'll be doing for the next few weeks.

That's right. PUMPKIN PIES WILL BE FLYING OUT OF MY BUTT.
See illustration.

As a pastry chef with years of experience, I COULD be making fancy, delicious, and somewhat difficult desserts that would grace your palate with flavor, texture, and just enough sweetness to satisfy. Something good. Something different. But NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Fall is here and the holidays approacheth, and I'll be making the simplest and what I consider to be the most overrated dessert on the planet, PUMPKIN FREAKING PIE.

Ok, I know, people are busy, don't have time to cook, or are hard pressed to bring dessert to dinner and they can't bake their way out of one of Rachael Ray's cookbooks. Yes, I suppose I'm performing a public service and I should take pride in that, but I just can't.........maybe it's because I hate, no wait, make that, LOATHE pumpkin pie.

I hate anything pumpkin. Pumpkin bread. Pumpkin brulee. Pumpkin lattes (ewwww!) Pumpkin milkshakes......Pumpkin pumpkin. I just hate pumpkin. And I hate making things I hate. And I can't figure out, for the life of me, when there's so many OTHER good things to eat out there, why people go PUMPKIN CRAZY this time of year. Hey, remember chocolate??? Why are the traditions of the holidays so strong that people feel the need to eat sugared pureed squash? Even if it was PROVEN that the pilgrims even ATE pumpkin pie on the first Thanksgiving, who cares? If they'd been able to obtain any cacao products, I'm sure all the pumpkin crap would have flown out the window. I say we do what the pilgrims WOULD have eaten for dessert if they could, and that is chocolate chocolate chocolate.

And while I'm at it, if the Pilgrims could have had anything to eat for Thanksgiving, would they have really had TURKEY? C'mon. I'm sure they were so tired from doing their old world chores, they would have called out for Chinese in a hot second. Or pizza.

I hope y'all enjoy your Thanksgiving. Turkey and pumpkin pie and all.
I just ask that you think of, and pray for me, and my butt.

Now that you know how I feel about pumpkin, here's how I feel about chocolate:

Chocolate!